All i need is ...
I dont know if anyone understands my situation right now. It's like I want it to happen but I dont want this to happen. Maybe 'cause I'm dead scared for this kind of thing to happen. And maybe I still have that one man in my head. I dont know if I'm moving on or otherwise but either way, its not doing good to me. I couldnt stop comparing him to N. God, I can never stop doing that. I found myself saying ,'' N didnt say that but N said something else instead.''
'' Ok so he isnt like N 'cause N will always say something along this line.''
or '' He makes everything looks right but N makes it feel right and it's right smack on the dot.''
N said those words that Ive been waiting and wanting to hear. I told Bie , I still have him in my head and I still lower down my head whenever I passed a comment bout him - out of random. Just like on Sunday whilst waiting for Netball to begin, I suddenly said to Bie ,
'' You know, his birthday's on 9th October.''
And Bie went, '' Why the fuck you remember his birthday for ?''
and he asked , '' Who's this N ? ''
And I answered , '' Oh , some friend.''
'' some special friend '' I later mumured under my breath.
Ive him alot in my mind these days. Im still figuring out why the fuck I still have him in my head. And it seems damn hard for me to get him out of my mind. This feeling is so strong that it aches so much. Im still figuring out my hurt. Im still healing. But I can never move on. This feeling , like I said, is so damn strong that I cant forsee myself dating anyone else.
N said the right things at the right time. He really DID catch me when I fall and he really was there for me be it for my happier moments or my sad moments. You know when someone said he/she will be there for you no matter what. Be it the time or the day. N lift up to it. 'Cause I remember texting him four in the morning saying I cant sleep for I just had my coffee and I'm pretty disturbed. He with his sleepy sexy voice called me up seconds after that asking if I'm alrite and if I wanna share everything. He didnt sleep that one night listening to my heart pour.
And how I love it when he called up saying , '' You nak tahu tak my friend tadi kejut I mcm ada ..... blahblahblah. '' How he makes me be involved in his life. It made me feel Im part of it to and I'm as important as any daily routine he's doing. And how he complains like a small child 'cause his bunk mates complain saying his balls hurt and want N to send him to the Doc's straight away whislt holding on to his balls. And how N'll call up me for two mintues in between waiting for his Sarg. How he'll sempat to nag at me for not be home as early as I possibly can. How he'll pressure me to shut down my computer to give all my attention to him. How he'll remind me to perform my solat every day. How he'll promise me he'll quit smoking. How he wants my help to remind me that he needs to stop smoking. How he'll be extremely firm when he knows Im side tracking. Etc, etc, etc.....
He made this huge an impact on me. One thing caught me thinking till today , what exactly did he do or say that makes me so incomplete like now. Even if Im happily dating someone right now, Im not that happy as I thought I would be. I thought I've moved on and I should, shouldnt I ? But no , this feeling's inside me is too strong. I dont know what feeling I'm feeling now but I know, it's holding me back from something that's about to happen.And I dont know what I'm suppose to do. I dont expect much help 'cause I know everything up to me. All I need is a bit of support and encouragement to slowly move on. Clearly I did never moved on. I feel so vulnerable and incomplete. Every part of my being aches for his voice now.
Forgive me. Im suppose to talk bout Futsal , Ina and Netball , but this, I need to get it off my chest. I really need this space like no one else need.
It's true when I say , it seems like, he has been the only one that kept me on track many months ago and again it IS true when I say, all i need right now is ....
