Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Bittersweet.
Everything is over. Too fast. Way too fast for me to even understand the situation. Extremely fast that I don't even know whose at fault. I couldn't even blame myself for what had happened 'cause the last time we talked , we agreed that it was our fault. Our fault to let this thing we have between us astray. Our fault for taking all of this at the greatest advantage and takin' everything for granted. Hence, we've agreed that we'll do somethin' or anythin' for the betterment of it all. It went well for a while and suddenly , it's all gone. Too fast. Way too fast that I couldnt even cry as badly I used to.Cry ? What cry did I do ? Cries of regret ? Cries of hurt ? Cries of pain ? Nah. Ok may be I'm being too egoist right now. I did cry a tear or two. It was cries of lost more like it. I felt and still is feelin' lost and out of control. 'Cause believe me , whatever kept me sane was , you. I became too depended on your naggings and lectures and scoldin's that I lived off you. When you came, I totally forget how to live and let live. I became a robot on which you instructed it to more left and it would. Move right and it would. It's not that I dont have a mind of my own. But it's more of gettin' my ass on the right track. You nag whenever I was out late in the mornin'. You nag when I took ages to off the computer. You nag whenever I spent too much money on VS. You nag I went out way too much. It became less rebellious and more obedient. It was really not me. But what kept me goin', sane and right on track was you.
The night I off to hrc , you didnt text nor call. Which eventually led me to get off the hook and party hard. So hard that I even forget the word called home and the person called N. Damn, I even exchanged numbers with guys I barely knew! Without much thought on you, I did what I hardly dream of doin'. But I did. That night, I finally knew, you kept me sane and on track. Just what you did ? Just what impact you had on me ? I couldnt even get my finger on it, even now.
May be I was stupid or blinded what the future clearly held for me back then. Maybe I was too oblivious with the fact that Hey, you werent that worth it after all. But you've got to agree with me on this : We both had the good sweet and bad sour times together. We both have always been there for each other. How I listened to your heart content bout your dad's sickness. How you patiently cajoled me bout my O level papers. How we both told each other that the future will be great for both of us. How we both laughed bout little jokes that we both only knew. How we shouted at each other when one did wrong and the other was being too egostic to even appologized. How we made it all up. How we sang for each other's birthday just when the clock strike midnight. How we giggled bout your bunkmates snorin' so loudly. How I tried to make you stop smokin' and how you made me stop swearin' and cursin'. How you made me felt I was the only one that mattered. How you made the little effort in callin' me when you sent your men off to trainin'. How you sent that tiny winy text messages which simply made my day.
Hell, I could go on and on bout the times we had. Good results will come out of this, I'm sure it will. Who knows, through this, you would be less jerky and I would be less stubborn. May be through all of this , we both will end up with our rightful partners with a whole new set of characters , attitudes and behaviours. I could simply put it that we both crossed each other lives in order to wake the both of us up that life isnt that bad after been hurt countless times. I believe, we know each other with a good reason behind it. And I'm glad we both know each other in this period of time. I'm glad too that you decided to stop all of this before we really sit down and start to move on to a more serious platform in which I dont wana think of the shits you're capable of doin'. With you out of my life and I'm out of yours, I know , we'll be able to love and treasure our other halves even more.
What we used to share will always remind a secret.
What we used to talk and exchange will always remind a memory.
What we used to have will always have a place close to my heart. For I know, this all happened for the betterment of our lives.
I won't lie to say that I'm doin' awesome. Hell no. It'll take lots of time for me to pick myself up. Get myself altered. Suit my being in this vacuum that I could no longer recognised after you left. Adjust my time and meals well. Life's really havin' a toll on me. With irregular meals and more irregular 12-14 hours of sleep , I'm really takin' this badly. But I know, I'll make it through this huge downpour. And I wont lie to say that I dont miss you. You were part of what I call , my life. Huge part of it, no doubt. But I'll do good. I'll do just fine. I know and I believe.
I'll make sure this time round, it'll be me who control and keep myself sane and on track. It's not as though I've never take control of mine life. I did. But I just lost it when you came. May be you came when I was at my down side of life. Hell, you did, didnt you? You heard me cried my lungs out due to the huge major problem I had back then. That sparked off the whole relationship we had. I totally lost it when I heard your smoothin' voice. But you know what ? I'll make the best out of everythin' I've now. I will.
I know you'll do fine. You're a great nice guy. Keep it goin' Nuh, keep it goin'. The bittersweet times , gosh , it's all locked. If it happens we cross each other paths again, I'll stop and certainly stare ;)
... I'll be good, I promise.
