Friday, January 18, 2008
I was shocked when I reached home this afternoon. She was supposed to head down to the doc's to get herself check and get our doubts clarify. I hate the word relapse. Downright hate it so much. I was shocked due to the fact that she doesn't want to head down to the doc's. She said that she is very much afraid to go through the turmoil all over again. Doesnt she knows how worried we all are when she decides to keep mum and let nature take it's course ? I'm clueless now so as how to help and convice grandma on to just visit the doc. Jannanana said she must has her own reasons so as to why she stubbornly declined the offer of me sendin' her to the doc. I really am clueless as what to do. It's eatin' up inside me if you wanna know. It's really is. I just don't wanna her suffer this alone. She has always said she troubled us - the extended family, when we are not in the least of mood or favour to even come across that thought. She has always said that. And it really sadden me. Doesn't she treat us as family as well even though my dad is just her step child ? If she does, there's no way she could have said that , couldnt she ? Cause family don't feel that way. Families are there for depressin' and happy moments aren't we ? That's what family is, isnt it ? That' what family are for isn't it ? Then why every single time we want to send her to the doc, she would always declined and said she troubled us , why do every single time she has to call up her offspring and decides it just with her own offspring. Doesn't she know how much this extended family love her so ? Doesn't she know how much this extended family want to be treated as family by her and her only ? She treated us well , very well I must say , to the extend that I actually feel she's my mum. However, sometimes , unknowin'ly her family and her actions itself hurt every single of us - the extended family. Sometimes it hurt so bad that I began to detest her part of the family. I could never detest her, can I ? How could I ever detest someone who bathed me , washed me, fed me, milked me and pampered me ever since I was still bloody red on the mornin' of fourteen january ? Hatin' her would means hatin' my mum as well, doesn't it ? That's how much I love her. She's my grandmama and my mum. She's everything and will always be. Nyayi, I love you then , now and forever - it's a promise.
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School's fun, as always.
I love bringin' taupau food and I bet shakinah love doin' it too.
I love how bastard every 33 of us can be - especially the normal four.
I love how loud we can be.
I love how Ralvin and Akinso run down every break to buy the food.
I love how Shakinah and Ian made a mockery outta Akinso.
I love how they bullied Mawwadah every single day.
I love how Stanley kept on talkin' bout the principle.
I love how we spend our free period every single Wednesday.
I love how Firman does his runnin' man and shufflin' every single day and how he make me wanna shuffle along with him. Man kau rock okies ?
I love how spastic and retarded Akinso can be every single day.
I simply love my last year in school and I can't wait to finish the big O come November.
It's our last year people, just hang on and strive for the best. We're the I'mpossible arent we ?
However, on top of all stress and thoughts Grandmama is still my utmost worry. So please, bear with me if I sound extremely emotionally these days. I could never keep my mind at ease ever since she get sick all over again. Yes, I may sound and look happy. But you'll never know how trash and mess up and worry I could be. Just, bear with me.
I may not be back soon , have lots to do, tons to think bout.
... hangin' on , I swear I am
