I should be bloggin' bout yesterday, but I am not gonna do that as I have yet to receive the pictures taken. So , hold up.

He looked up and smiled. He shook his head when he saw tears rolled down my cheeks. He raised his hands and I followed, both of us prayed for the death of his aunty.

I was cryin' for his lost and for mine.

Yea. Never did I know, Tahlil would take a huge toll on my today.

I went to Pusara Abadi , however, I did not make my way to Arwah ShahrunNizam's burial ground as I was runnin' late for the Tahlil.

He, my dearest and best cousin, looked over and smiled, he knew how lost I am at the moment. I could see how concern he was on me then on his grandma. I felt lost. I just don't know, but I am just truely am lost.

I sat by the Masterbed room door and recite doa. I tried to hold my tears, but I gave up. The feelin's was just too darn strong. I even lost when I was recitin' the doa. I just sat there I taste my tears, recite whatever doa that could make me calm and for Arwah.

I stood up and walked in the room, the ladies has their eyes on me. I was just too ... lost.

I could never be lost then today.
He could not come over to hug me nor could he utter a word.
He knew I wanted very much to be alone.
And he just sat there while I tried my darn best to stop cryin'.
Mum was there to witness how bad I cried.
Dad was there to gave me the moral support.
Damnit ! I was just , lost.

I cried how I cried durin' the 1st day of Tahlil.
I cried how I cried when I'm on Bie's shoulder.
I cried like no body bisness.
I cried in my prayers.
In my sleep.

Lost myself today. I was not my usual self. I was merely speakin' those important details. I just hope I could be stronger then before. I just need to get my head up and just pray for me to be strong.

I am just disturbed and troubled.
I totally lost myself.
I could never get a grip.

And bie, if only you are here, I would have drenched your shoulders just like that night.

... get up