Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Let me bore you people with my thoughts for the past few days...Sorry for the randomnesss, but what the heCk.
I may look happy, but I am not. I just knew it that you want to end it all. Sumhow or rather, I felt that it already has. I just do not understand you. I do not understand why you seem confused with all of this. How many gals are there in your list ? I am willing to understand the way you are, but when I knew bout it all, I felt nothin' less but angry and sad.
As much as I want to give it all up, I found myself, rooted to the ground and looked around. Is this what God as given me ? Is this what God has created for me ? I questioned, and prayed. I cried on the fone, in my prayers and in my sleep. I just do not know what the hell you are tryin' to do you know. I just do not get it.
If you like her, leave me. If you want to end it all, say it. If you like me, prove it to me. As much as I want to believe every word that you spoke, God showed me that, it is all made believe. I even doubt you liked me intially. I even doubt that you mean every word that you spoke.
Yea, we flowed toooooooooooooooooo fast. We both knew it. We both realize our mistake. But, could I actually believe that we are actually startin' a new ? Sumhow or rather, I knew that you contactin' sum other gals. You got mad and went all quiet when Kazu called me up. Am I not to get angry nor jeles nor quiet when any gal msged you ? Where is my share in this game ?
You have feelin's and so do I. My frens, my buddies in school in particular, knew that I am all yours truely if I would go gaga over sumone. I am not that kinda gal that would go filrtin' with guys behind my guy's back. That is so not me. And can I say that you are the same ? Can I say that you are not the flirt guy ? Hopefully, I can. Hopefully...
People do change, and I do too. My frens whom read and knew bout my life, kept on pesterin' me to just get angry, and spout vulgarities. But never once would I stand that low. I was an egoistic person, but now I am not. Been ego is been a murder to your feelin's. We humans are meant to be understand and able to understand others. Not standin' alone and let that damned anger control. That was me, I would do drastic measure to just get my ego and anger off my head. But now, aDeQ, you can smile now. I am not the ego one now. There are still ego here and there, but I am not totally like before. I have learnt to relax, chill, bersabar and beristifar. I was surprise of course, why I did not shoot you with vulgarities , why did I not yell at you for doin' all this shit, why I did not block you off my msn ? WHY?
I guessed, and my guess is right. I have changed. Alhamdulilah. What more could I asked for ? May be Allah sent you to me, to test my patience. Or may be your's too. I sincerely hope, you would change for the better, and stick to the Mr Nice Guy that I used to know and like. Everythang happen for a reason my dear. I have yet to find the reason to why I stumbled to sumone like you. May be, just may be, you happened to be sumone I stumbled over in a short period, sumone that happened to color my life with endless laughter and joy. With all the heartaches and tears and tiff, and what's not, I think, this is it.
Like you said it, you wanna step back. I really wished that everythang happened the other way round. Sigh.
... I am fine
